TRIGGER WARNING** Miscarriage and Loss
To lose an unborn baby is deeply upsetting for anyone I have no doubts at all. I had my first experience of loss when I was 25. It was unexpected as I hadn’t even realized that I was pregnant at that point. In some ways it made it easier for me as I hadn’t bonded but of course it still hurt both mentally and physically.
I was settled, married to Mark and tremendously happy – deeply in love. We had returned from our honeymoon to find just a few days later our house was flooded and inhabitable after a freak downpour of rain rendering the drains unable to cope. We moved out of the home and in with my parents whilst the walls were stripped back to brick. It was terribly difficult for us but made that bit easier when we found out I was pregnant. But of course it didn’t last, not even past 12 weeks.
To lose a baby a second time is something else indeed. The thoughts and doubts started to creep in that maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was doing something wrong, wasn’t fit enough or good enough to be a mum. My second miscarriage out of them all was the absolute worst for me and left an uncomfortable and upsetting feeling deep in my stomach.
Some months later I took a break, a breather and travelled to Spain with my parents to get away from all the stress and strain. On a trip out we travelled high up into the mountains to the top of Mount Roel where we visited the 18th century monastery of the Virgin del Saliente. What a glorious place to visit, so deeply inspiring with its terracotta brick and sense of spirituality and peace.
Stood at the top and looking out at the views the feelings of loss and mourning were overtaken by the feelings of missing my husband so much. Mark is my North, South, East and West. It is with him that I align and needed with me, with or without a baby to call our own. I needed him, now more than ever and the days couldn’t come fast enough until I could be with him again.
Days later we flew back to England and we decided it was time for us to return to our home despite it still being in the depths of rubble. But it was there that we could start reconnecting and moving forward again.
If only I’d realised that as I stood at the top of the mountain life had already started and Brady was already on his way to make his Divine entrance into this world.
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